Join us on Sunday, July 22, at 4046 NE MLK BLVD at 5:30 pm Cole Brown will continue a series, The King and I, and preaching from Mark 12:18-44. We would love for you to join us for a night of worship and fellowship together.
wisdom
The King and I: The King’s Wisdom
December 16th, 2011 | Posted in events | No CommentsTags: Give, god, gospel, jesus, King, Mark, Personification, Philosophy, religion, Seek, wisdom
Shared Treasure
June 15th, 2009 | Posted in sermons | Comments OffTags: evangelism, evangelize, foolishness, gospel, missional, missions, proverbs, wisdom
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Introduction
For the past two months we’ve been talking about wisdom as we’ve studied the book of Proverbs together. We’ve talked about what wisdom is (it’s the ability to live life skillfully), we’ve talked about where wisdom is found (it is found only in Jesus Christ who is the source of all wisdom), and we’ve talked about the many ways it shows itself in our practical, everyday lives (in our speech, in our love life, in our work, in our finances, in our attitude). Tonight we’re going to conclude our study on wisdom by asking one more question. Now that you’ve heard all of this information about wisdom what are you supposed to do with it? Now that you’ve gained all of this information on wisdom what are you supposed to do with it? The answer is: you are supposed to treasure it. We’ve seen that wisdom is more valuable than education, it’s more valuable than intelligence, it’s more valuable than great wealth, it’s’ more valuable than all of the possessions in the world. This wisdom, which we have been given through the Scriptures, is to be treasured.
This means, first, that we are to hold it tightly and never let it go. That’s what we do with the things we treasure. When my daughter gets a new toy she will hold it in her clutches day and night. She’ll sleep with it. If she gets up in the middle of the night she’ll take it into the other room with her. She’ll set it at the kitchen table while she eats dinner. She’ll do this because she treasures her new toy. How much more should we hold tightly to the wisdom that the God of the Universe has freely given to us through Jesus, wisdom that we could never acquire on our own?
The wisdom that has been given to us through faith in Jesus Christ is to be treasured and held tightly. It is also to be used and used a lot. When I was in high school my greatest treasure was my walkman. I wore that walkman everywhere. And I used it constantly. I don’t think anyone spoke a word to me throughout four whole years of high-school because they knew I couldn’t hear them anyway. I was too busy listening to Nas, Blackstreet, BBD, and Mobb Deep. I used that thing so much that I ran through batteries quicker than J. Lo ran through male celebrities. To this day I run into people that I haven’t seen since high-school and they remember me as the guy who always had the headphones on. They also remember me as the geeky kid who was too shy to talk to anyone, but that’s beside the point. The point is that I treasured my walkman and I put it to use constantly. We’re to do the same with the wisdom we’ve been given through Jesus Christ. When I say we need to hold tight to wisdom that doesn’t mean that we keep it in a package and just look at it like an old Star Wars figure. No, it means we hold it so closely that it is a part of everything we think, everything we say, and everything we do.
What are we supposed to do with the wisdom we’ve been given? We’re supposed to treasure it, which means we’re supposed to hold it closely and use it constantly. But that’s not all. When we treasure wisdom we will also want to show that wisdom to everyone else. That’s what we do with the things we treasure. We can’t wait to show our treasure to everyone else. When I was a kid I treasured my George Brett autographed baseball above all else and my mission was to show it off to everyone. Now that I’m an adult I treasure my wife and because I treasure her I get excited by every opportunity I have to talk about her and to introduce to new people. You know what I mean. When you eat at a really great restaurant you make it a point to tell everyone about it. When you see a movie that impacts you, or discover a piece of music that truly moves you, you go out of your way to expose your friends, your neighbors, your co-workers to the same thing.
When we treasure wisdom we will want to show it to everyone we know. And that’s not supposed to be a task any more than telling someone about your favorite TV show is a task. It’s supposed to be a joy. And it can be. When we treasure wisdom, when we hold it tightly, when we put it to use, we will find ourselves excited about sharing our treasure with others. After all, that’s how the book of Proverbs was written in the first place. The wise father wanted nothing more than to share wisdom with those close to him. Is that something you’re doing already? Is that something you’d like to do? If so, the book of Proverbs can help you by offering you direction and encouragement.
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Wisdom Wants to Be Shared
First, Proverbs helps us by showing us that wisdom wants to be shared. It is in her very nature. Let’s look at Proverbs 8:1-11.
“Does not wisdom call out? Does not understanding raise her voice? At the highest point along the way, where the paths meet, she takes her stand; beside the gate leading into the city, at the entrance, she cries aloud: “To you, O people, I call out; I raise my voice to all humankind. You who are simple, gain prudence; you who are foolish, set your hearts on it. Listen, for I have trustworthy things to say; I open my lips to speak what is right. My mouth speaks what is true, for my lips detest wickedness. All the words of my mouth are just; none of them is crooked or perverse. To the discerning all of them are right; they are upright to those who have found knowledge. Choose my instruction instead of silver, knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her.” – Prov 8:1-11
Wisdom wants to be shared. Wisdom calls out to the simple and the foolish, she invites them to herself, she calls them to pursue her and to listen to her. And she uses human messengers to do this. Wisdom wants to be shared and she uses human messengers to bring her to others just as she does in the book of Proverbs; she uses the human author of Proverbs to share wisdom with his sons and with us. Of course you and I know this from experience. The only reason any one of us knows about wisdom, the only reason any one of us has heard about the fear of the Lord, is because wisdom shared herself with us through a human messenger. And why did that human messenger choose to share this wisdom with us? Why did that human messenger choose to share Jesus, the source of all wisdom, with us? Is it because they were braver than we are? Is it because they know more than we know? Is it because they care less about people liking them other than we do? No. It’s none of the above. The reason that your human messenger was able to share wisdom with you is because they were moved to share wisdom with you.
Remember, wisdom wants to be shared. She wants to call out to the simple and the foolish. So if you possess wisdom you will also be possessed by wisdom and she will move you toward her goal — which is to call others to herself. I just spent some time in several airports this past week and while there is a lot of stuff about airports that I don’t like there is one part of airports that I love…the people-mover. I love the people-mover. I love that I can just stand still on a metal slab and without moving a muscle I can turn a 2 minute walk into a 20 second ride. Well, wisdom is like a people-mover. If you are on the path of wisdom she will move you toward her destination, which is to share wisdom with others.
See, if you are wise, if you fear the Lord, you don’t have to try to convince yourself that evangelism is a good idea. You don’t have to try to muster up the desire to tell people about Jesus. If you are wise, if you fear the Lord, you already have that desire. First, because you can’t help but want to tell people about the thing you treasure most. Second, because wisdom herself wants to be shared and she moves you accordingly. That doesn’t mean that you’ve perfected how to do it. But you want to do it. You want to share wisdom with others, you are being moved in the right direction. And we should start by thanking God for graciously giving us this desire, even if we haven’t yet put it into practice as often as we should. Thank God for giving us wisdom and for giving us the desire to share that wisdom with others.
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The Wise Share Wisdom Graciously
And this leads us to a second point Proverbs makes about sharing wisdom. The wise share wisdom graciously.
“The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent, and their lips promote instruction.” – Prov 16:23
“The wise in heart are called discerning, and gracious words promote instruction.” – Prov 16:21
Because we have been freely given wisdom through Jesus Christ, because wisdom herself gives us the desire to share wisdom, we are moved not only to share this wisdom but to share this wisdom graciously. The wise don’t share wisdom in arrogance. They don’t say, “Hey, look what I have. You should listen to me so that you can have what I have.” The wise don’t share wisdom in judgment. They don’t say, “Something must be wrong with you. Why can’t you be more like me and believe this or do that?” No, wise people share wisdom graciously. They recognize that they didn’t find this wisdom on their own. God freely gave it to them through Jesus Christ. So the wise don’t share wisdom like a motivational speaker, or a rock star, or a politician. The wise share their wisdom like a homeless beggar. If we are wise we will share the wisdom we have like one homeless beggar speaking to another homeless beggar. “Brother, I know a place where food is given freely to all who ask.” “Sister, come with me to the one who will satisfy all of your hunger in exchange for nothing. He fed me. He will feed you, too.”
Wisdom wants to be shared. Those who are wise share their wisdom and they share it graciously. This means that the wise share wisdom in two ways. They share it through declaration and they share it through demonstration. They declare their wisdom as they instruct others in its ways. This means they tell people where to find wisdom (in Jesus Christ alone) and how to receive that wisdom (through faith alone). Remember, wise people declare this message because wisdom herself moves them to and because they cannot help but want to share their greatest treasure with others. But wise people don’t just tell people about wisdom, they show people wisdom. They don’t just declare wisdom, they demonstrate wisdom. They do this by declaring wisdom in humility, in patience, in generosity, and in all of the characteristics that wisdom produces. This makes the listener more likely to take interest in the declared message of wisdom. It also provides them a desirable picture of its relevance and its reality. Wisdom that is declared and not demonstrated is not true wisdom. Wisdom that is demonstrated and not declared is not true wisdom. The two must go together because their source is Jesus Christ who is the embodiment of wisdom declared and wisdom demonstrated.
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Wisdom Shared is Good for the Speaker and Hearer
If we are wise we are called to share our treasure. The wisdom in us moves us to do so by sharing wisdom graciously, by declaring and demonstrating its truth. You can call this evangelism if you want. You can call this preaching the gospel if you want. Whatever you call it it is wisdom. And wisdom is nothing to run from, she is nothing to be afraid of. And this brings us to Proverbs’ next point about sharing your treasure. Wisdom shared is good for both the speaker and the hearer.
“A person finds joy in giving an apt reply-and how good is a timely word!” – Prov 15:23
“The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life, turning a person from the snares of death.” – Prov 13:14
The first proverb tells us that there is joy in speaking the right word at the right time. There is joy for you as you share your treasure, your wisdom, with others. This joy is not contingent on how the other person responds. The joy comes from sharing the treasure regardless of how the other party responds. We feel some measure of joy when we talk about our treasured sports team or our treasured movie. We feel some measure of joy when we talk about our treasured music or our treasured home. We feel some measure of joy when we talk about our treasured children or our treasured significant other. In the same way you will find great joy in talking about wisdom, in talking about Jesus, no matter how people may respond. Your joy is not based on their response. Your joy is in the treasure itself and you can’t help but talk about it. And when you talk about it you can’t help but be overcome by great delight. If you don’t believe me I dare you to try it.
Wisdom shared is good for the speaker, it brings us joy. Wisdom is also good for the hearer. That’s what the second proverb makes clear. Shared wisdom is like a fountain of life that turns someone from the snares of death. Many of us know this first-hand because many of us have been rescued from the snares of death because someone else chose to share their wisdom with us. That’s certainly the case for me. I didn’t want to hear wisdom, I didn’t want to hear about Jesus, any more than your friends, your family, or your neighbors. But when a man shared his wisdom with me it was like a fountain of life that I could not help but drink from. It quenched a thirst I did not even know I had. It provided sustenance I did not even know I needed. And it freed me from the snares of death I did not even know I was trapped in. His shared wisdom was good for me in the truest sense of the word. Many of you have had this same experience. You have experienced the greatest good, good beyond your wildest imagination, as the result of someone else sharing wisdom with you. Having received this good how can we do anything other than share this with others? If we knew where to find unlimited treasure we wouldn’t hide that information from others. If we knew where to get free food we wouldn’t keep that to ourselves. If we know where to find the fountain of life we wouldn’t keep its location a secret. Well, we do know where to find those things. And if we are wise we will be moved by wisdom to graciously tell others where these things are found…in Jesus.
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Their Receptiveness is a Reflection of Their Wisdom, Not Yours
The wise share wisdom because wisdom moves them to. As they share that wisdom they share it graciously. And this is good both for them and for those who listen to them. Proverbs makes this clear. And our experience confirms it. But the truth of the matter is that some of us still fear it. We want to share wisdom, we know it’s good for us and for the people we speak to, but we are afraid. We are afraid that we’ll say something wrong. We’re afraid that we’ll offend the other person. We’re afraid the other person will think less of us. We’re afraid that things won’t go smoothly. What if they don’t want to hear the message? What if they reject it? What if in one way or another I fail? Questions like these often keep us from sharing wisdom as we should. But they shouldn’t. Because these questions are based on a false and inaccurate view of the world. They’re based on a false view of the world that judges our wisdom or our success by how people respond to us. But this is a backwards view of the world. Proverbs gives us the proper view of the world. Proverbs tells us that it is not our wisdom that determines their response. Rather, it is their wisdom that determines their response.
“Instruct the wise and they will be wiser still; teach the righteous and they will add to their learning.” – Prov 9:9
“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.” – Prov 1:7
As you share wisdom with someone their receptiveness is a reflection of their wisdom, not yours. If they listen to you and follow you to the path of wisdom they are wise. But if they reject you it is because they are foolish. They don’t reject you because there’s something wrong with you, they reject you because they reject wisdom and they reject wisdom because they reject the Lord. It’s not about you! It’s not about you at all! It’s about them and their hostility with God. You can be the wisest, most articulate, most passionate, most persuasive person in all the world. But if they love foolishness you will not persuade them. The fact that they reject you or your message says nothing about how well you have done at declaring and demonstrating wisdom and it says everything about the foolishness they treasure in their hearts. It’s not about you. It’s about them and their hostility with God. This is how things are. And this right and proper view of how things are is liberating. It frees us from our fears of rejection and our fears of failure. It frees us to share wisdom and to share wisdom graciously knowing that this person’s response says everything about them and nothing about us.
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Only the Lord Can Grant Wisdom
All of this has been tremendously helpful for me as I have grown in sharing gospel wisdom with others. It’s been helpful for me to understand that wisdom wants to be shared. I want to share wisdom not because I have mustered up some passion for evangelism but because I am God’s child. And because I am God’s child he has given me his wisdom and it is his wisdom that pushes me toward evangelism just like the people mover at the airport pushes me toward where it pleases. It’s also been helpful for me to understand that wisdom shared graciously is good both for me and for the person I’m sharing it with. Sharing the wisdom of God is not a burdensome task to fear. It is a joy just as we take joy in sharing anything we treasure with someone else. It’s also been especially helpful to understand that when people reject this shared treasure they’re not rejecting me, they’re rejecting God; it’s not a reflection of my wisdom but of their foolishness. Having this Biblically shaped worldview of evangelism has made evangelism something I actually look forward to instead of something I dread. That’s not to say that I always feel comfortable doing it. I don’t. But it is to say that I always feel safe and secure doing it. And here’s why. In addition to all of the things we’ve mentioned so far Proverbs also assures us that only the Lord grants wisdom.
“For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” – Prov 2:6
It is the Lord who gives wisdom. It is only the Lord who gives wisdom. As we share wisdom with people, as we evangelize, it is not our job to convince them, it is not our job to convert them. Even if we wanted to do those things we don’t have the ability to do those things. It is the Lord who gives wisdom. Think about the implications of that. If you believe that (and you should because the entire Bible confirms it) if you believe that it will completely transform your attitude toward evangelism. Completely. First, this means that the pressure is off of you. You are not responsible for converting your neighbor, or convincing your friend. Your only responsibility is to share and to share graciously. Second, this means that there is not a single person you encounter who is hopeless. If it is God who gives wisdom and God alone who gives wisdom then there is hope for everyone, no matter how far from wisdom they may seem. There is hope for the crackhead around the corner. There is hope for the atheist you work with. There is hope for the disinterested agnostic that you go to school with. There is hope for the rude and obnoxious neighbor next door. There is hope for the family member who makes fun of your beliefs. There is hope for the religious person who seems to be stuck in their tradition. There is hope for everyone you know. Which means you are free to go and share wisdom with everyone you know, without pressure, knowing that God can and will give wisdom to whomever he chooses and he has chosen to use you to do so.
This is what he did with you, isn’t it? You were just as far from God and his wisdom as your neighbor, and your friend, and your co-worker. You were just as far from God as every non-Christian you know. I hope you don’t think that because you grew up in the church, or because your parents are Christians, or because you are an American you somehow were more likely to choose wisdom than the next guy. Thousands, and thousands, and hundreds of thousands of people grow up in the same environment as you and reject God and his wisdom altogether. If you are here tonight as one who follows Jesus Christ there is only one explanation: God gave you wisdom. God gave you wisdom. Without any help from your environment God gave you wisdom. Without any help from you God gave you wisdom. If you are here tonight as a worshiper of Jesus Christ it is because God gave you wisdom.
God gave you wisdom. He had to. He had to because left to yourself you would never find it. No, actually, your predicament was far worse than that. Left to yourself you would never even look for it. No, wait, your predicament was even worse than that. Left to yourself you would run from it. And you did. You did run from wisdom. Because you loved foolishness. You loved foolishness. You loved sin. You loved doing what you want, how you want. You loved living for you. You loved doing bad things because of how it benefited you. You even loved doing good things because of how it benefited you. Everything you thought, everything you said, everything you did – from the worst thing to the best thing – everything flowed out of the self-serving motives of your own foolish heart. You couldn’t find wisdom. You wouldn’t even look for wisdom. You ran from wisdom and embraced foolishness as the love of your life. Brothers and sisters you would still be dead in your self-serving foolishness if it were not for God choosing to give wisdom to you.
And how did he do that? He gave wisdom to you by first giving wisdom for you. He sent his Son, Jesus Christ, the source of all wisdom, into a world of foolishness. And when he came to this world of foolishness Jesus Christ lived the life of wisdom in your place. And because Jesus, being wisdom himself, came into a world of foolishness the world hated him. Foolish people rejected him, cursed him, beat him, and murdered him. And we were with those people. We were with them rejecting wisdom, cursing wisdom, beating wisdom, and murdering wisdom because we loved our foolishness. Because Jesus hated foolishness we hated him. But Jesus did not hate us. Jesus hated our foolishness but he did not hate the foolish. Instead, he died for the foolish so that we could become wise. As we drove the nails into his wrists he was willfully taking our foolishness upon himself. And then, as he hung naked from the cross, he not only took our foolishness, he took the punishment for our foolishness. He took the wrath of God that belonged on you and received its fullness upon himself. Three days later he rose from the dead so that foolishness could no longer hold power over God’s people. This is the only way that you could ever receive wisdom. Because God gave wisdom for you.
But it doesn’t stop there. God also gave wisdom to you. Even if you knew every detail of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection; even if you knew the content of the gospel message inside and out; you would still reject it, you would still run from this glorious wisdom, because of your deep love for foolishness. Your only hope to ever become wise was if God gave wisdom to you so that you could believe in the wisdom he gave for you. And if you are a worshiper of Jesus Christ that is exactly what has happened. You have become wise. Not because of any intelligence or effort of your own. But because God gave wisdom for you and then gave wisdom to you. This is why you treasure wisdom so. You treasure wisdom deeply and you treasure wisdom supremely because you see that it is a gift so rare and so difficult to obtain that God himself had to step into human flesh, live, die, rise again, and give you an entirely new heart and an entirely new nature in order for you to have it.
I want you to be silent just for a few moments to think about that. Think about how out of reach this wisdom was. Think about how much this wisdom cost. Think about how glorious this wisdom is. And then try to tell me that you don’t want to share this wisdom with other people. You can’t tell me that. At this moment as you meditate on your greatest treasure and how you have come to receive it you want nothing more than to share this wisdom with other people. Right now, as you think about who Jesus is and who you would be without Jesus, you want to share this wisdom with other people, don’t you? Don’t you? Do you know why? It’s not because I’m a good preacher. It’s not because I’ve stirred up your emotions. It’s not because of the church environment. It’s not because of any of those things. It’s because God’s wisdom lives within you and that wisdom is pushing you to let it out.
For that reason I’m going to ask you to do something right now. I’m going to ask you to do something right now before you can go home and allow yourself to suppress wisdom’s push in you. I want you to think about everything you have planned this week. And I want you to ask yourself, “Have I set aside any time to hang out with any non-Christians this week?” If the answer is no, I want you to schedule something this week. Maybe you need to schedule lunch with a co-worker, or coffee with a friend, or have a neighbor over for dinner. You’ll never be able to share wisdom if you’re not spending time with those who need wisdom. If you already have something scheduled with a non-Christian this week I want you to seek God in prayer right now. Ask him to give you the desire and the opportunity to share your wisdom. This isn’t something you have to force. It’s something that can happen naturally in the flow of conversation. Pray that God will help you to recognize that and that he will help you have intentional spiritual conversations with the non-Christians you’re in relationship with. This isn’t a task. It’s a joy. If you have wisdom you do want to share it with others. Maybe you don’t know exactly how to do it. But you want to do it. So start with the first step, which is spending time with non-Christians. And if you have questions about how to have intentional spiritual conversations with them we’ll be talking about those things together in the weeks to come.
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Choosing Your Significant Other Wisely
June 15th, 2009 | Posted in articles | Comments OffTags: choosing a spouse, dating, foolishness, love, marriage, proverbs, relationships, significant others, wisdom
The following article is an excerpt from a 2008 sermon given by Cole Brown.
What do you look for in a significant other?
Over the years I’ve heard this question answered in all types of ways. Some ladies require that their man is taller than them. Some men require that their lady is crazy beautiful. Some only date white people, some only date black people, some only date people older than them, some only date people younger than them, some look for intelligence, some look for education, some look for money, some look for a good job, some look for someone who dresses nice, some look for someone who has a nice personality, and on and on and on. These are the standards many of us are using to determine who our significant other will be. But they are the wrong standards. The Scriptures give us a much better perspective on how to choose our significant other wisely. They give us the best perspective: God’s perspective.
The book of Proverbs in particular places a tremendous emphasis on choosing the right significant other. Proverbs tells us that choosing the wrong significant other always has terrible consequences while choosing the right man or the right woman has great benefits, as explained in the passages below.
“A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” – Prov 12:4
“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” – Prov 14:1
Choosing the right person is so important because choosing the wrong person is so damaging. As the first proverb says, the wrong wife or the wrong husband will eat away at you like cancer. The purpose of this imagery is to show just how deeply the wrong woman or the wrong man can affect us. The second proverb adds that the wrong person will also end up tearing down their own household. This means that they will end up tearing down their own life and their own relationships and, if you’re with them, then they will bring you down in the process. Perhaps you have experienced the reality of these proverbs firsthand. Making the wrong choice – the foolish choice – only harms you in the long run.
Because the wrong choice brings the wrong consequences it is better to be by yourself. If you’re single you may not like to hear that. The last thing in the world you want to do is be alone; you want to get yourself “someone special.” While that desire is understandable you can rest assured that whatever it is you think you will gain by having a special somebody is not worth the cost of being with the wrong somebody. This is why the author of Proverbs – inspired by the Holy Spirit – tells us that it is better to be by yourself than to be with the wrong man or the wrong woman.
“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” – Prov 21:9
“Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.” – Prov 21:19
In other words, the consequences of choosing the wrong significant other are severe and destructive. So how do you know what type of person to avoid? And what type of person to pursue? Thankfully, Proverbs helps us with that as well.
The Type of Woman/Man to Avoid
First, let’s look at the type of woman or man that Proverbs tells us to avoid in Proverbs 6:23-35.  Here, the father warns his sons to avoid two types of women. We see in verse 24 and in verse 26 that the two types of women are described as the married woman and the prostitute. The passage tells us that to go after this type of woman or man is to light a fire in your own lap or to walk on hot coals. We are told that this is disgraceful. We are told that this is shameful. In other words, to enter into a relationship with the married woman or the prostitute is both dangerous and destructive.
Some of you need to hear this because you have lusted after a married man or woman or you are currently lusting after a married man or woman. Some of you need to hear this because you have gone after some type of prostitute. But I know that some of you are thinking, “Well, of course I’m not going to get with somebody who is married. Of course I’m not going to get with a prostitute. Are you saying that as long as I avoid married people and prostitutes that I’ll make the right choice?†No, that’s not what I’m saying. Remember that the author of Proverbs – the father – is talking to his sons in a very particular time and a very particular place. In our culture, marriage is less common so there are many women and men to pursue who are not married. That’s not to say adultery is not a problem in our culture – it’s a horrible problem – but it is to say that if the father were writing this to his sons today he might list a different type of woman. The same is true of prostitution. Prostitution was much more common and much more accessible in their time and culture. If he were writing today he would probably list a different type of woman here, too.
So that’s what I’m going to do. What are our modern cultural equivalents of the married woman and the prostitute? I think the modern cultural equivalent of the married woman is any man or woman who wants to have you but does not want to commit to you. And I think the modern cultural equivalent of the prostitute is the person who offers you sexual pleasure without the risk of intimacy. So what type of man or woman should you avoid? You should avoid the man or woman who wants to be with you but doesn’t want to commit to you. And you should avoid whoever or whatever offers you sexual pleasure without true intimacy.
This includes a variety of people. The person who wants to be with you but doesn’t want to commit to you may be the person who is married to someone else. Or they may be the person who is in a relationship with you but is not willing to marry you. Or they may be the person who wants to spend lots of time with you but doesn’t want to be your official boyfriend or your official girlfriend. Most of us have been in some relationships like that. And most of us have seen that those things never turn out well. To give ourselves to someone like that is to light a fire in our lap and hope it will go out by itself. It is to walk on hot coals as if our feet won’t get scorched. In other words, it’s foolish. If your potential mate is someone who wants you but doesn’t want to commit to you they are not the right one. They are the wrong one.
The same is true of the person or thing that offers you sexual pleasure without true intimacy. I say “person or thing†because some of us look for sexual pleasure without true intimacy by looking to one night stands or friends with benefits and some of us look for it by looking to pornography or by looking to our own fantasies. This is the modern day equivalent of prostitution. For all of the same reasons that prostitution is foolish and ungodly so friends with benefits, pornography and sexual fantasy are foolish and ungodly. First, this is exploitive. The person who is bringing you sexual pleasure is exploited by you for your own pleasure. Second, it is selfish. The person who is bringing you sexual pleasure is being used by you to serve yourself. Third, it is unhealthy for you and for those you’re in relationship with. Anytime you seek sexual pleasure without true intimacy you remove yourself from true relationship, you isolate yourself, you hide yourself, you lie about yourself, and all of these things are destructive to you and to everyone you are connected to. Worst of all, though, it is foolish and ungodly because it is an act of rebellion against God and the way he has created both human beings and sex. God created sex and intimacy to go together. He created sex to be a physical expression of relational intimacy. That’s why the Bible uses intimate metaphors as pictures of sex. Instead of saying, “Adam slept with Eve†the Word of God says, “Adam knew Eve.†Instead of saying, “The two will have a lot of fun†during sex the Word of God says, “The two will become one†during sex. Sex is to be a physical expression of relational intimacy. So no matter how much you may enjoy this person or this thing they are not the right one if they provide sexual pleasure without true intimacy. To give ourselves to someone or something like that is to light a fire in our lap and hope it goes out by itself. It is to walk on hot coals and hope our feet don’t get burned. It is foolish. If a woman or man or image offers you sexual pleasure without true intimacy they are not the right one. They are the wrong one.
Over the years I have talked with many people who would agree with everything I just said. They would agree that the person who wants them but doesn’t want to truly commit to them is not the right one. They would agree that the person who offers them sexual pleasure without true intimacy is not the right one. They would agree with all of that. But they still find themselves in both types of relationships. Why is that? Why is it that we can know that this person is really not the right one for us but we still give ourselves to them? Why is it that we know this person is only going to do us harm in the long run but we get into a relationship with them anyway? We do it because we are tempted by how they look, how they speak, how they smell, or what they offer us.
And Proverbs doesn’t hide from this reality. The father is very honest about how tempting an attractive person can be. He’s very honest about how tempting sex and sexuality can be. He’s not naïve. He’s not inexperienced. He’s a grown man. And he knows how easily we can be attracted to the wrong person. He knows how easily we can be seduced by their looks, their speech, their smell, and what they offer us. In Proverbs 7:6-20 the father tells a story of a young man falling for the wrong woman. This story gives us an excellent picture of how easily we can be tempted by the wrong woman or the wrong man. In verse 10 he describes a woman clothed like a prostitute. She is sexy. She is nice to look at. Men and women: we both like that. We are tempted by someone who is nice to look at. She is also seductive with her body and with her words. In verse 13 she kisses the young man. We like that. It makes us feel special and wanted. It also feels good physically. In verses 15 she flatters him with praise. “I came out to meet you. I looked for you and have found you,†she says. Men and women, we like that. We like to hear that we are the object of someone else’s desire. We like to hear that we are the one they’ve been looking for. In verses 16-18 she entices him by offering sexual pleasure. Come, she says, “Let’s drink deep of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love.†Men and women we all like that. We are attracted to sex and we are attracted to romantic relational intimacy. When an attractive person shows interest in us and wants to be intimate with us it can be hard to resist. In verses 19-20 she goes even further. Not only does she offer him all of these pleasures to enjoy. She also assures him that there will be no undesirable consequences. “My husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey. He took his purse filled with money and will not be home till full moon.†We all like that. No matter how attractive a man or woman is, no matter how good it feels to see them show interest in us, no matter how much we would like to be intimate with them most of us still have something in us that says “Caution. Be careful. This ain’t right.†But because we want it anyway we will gladly accept any rationale that can push our concerns to the back of our minds and allow us to do what we want to do. This can come in various forms. “My husband’s out of town, he’ll never know.†“We love each other. Isn’t this what we should be doing if we love each other.†“God knows that we’re going to get married one day anyway so it’s not a big deal if we do this now.†“It’s okay if I just do this one more time. After that I won’t do it again.â€
The reason we do what we know we shouldn’t do, the reason we end up in relationships with people we know are not right for us, is that we are sinners who yield to temptation far too often and far too easily. And when we do so we become the “dead man walking.†Verses 21-27 show that the results of that choice are pain and death. Many of us have made these decisions in the past, some of us are making these decisions right now, and we know how destructive our relationship choices can be. But what can we do? What can we do to protect us from making the wrong choice in the future? What can we do to keep ourselves from yielding to this temptation yet again? Proverbs gives us two solutions.
Now, if you’re single that may not sound all that helpful to you. Sure, you’d love to have lots of good sex with your spouse the problem is you don’t have one. So how does this help you? Well, the advice is still the same. The father’s advice is to pursue the right woman. For the married man the right woman is his wife. For the single man the right woman is someone else. Someone you may presently know, someone you may not yet know. If you devote your energy to pursuing the right woman or the right man you will be far less likely to fall for a counterfeit. So now the question becomes, who is the right woman? Who is the right man? Thankfully, Proverbs answers that question for us as well.
Pursue the Right One
In Proverbs 31 the author gives a lengthy description of the right woman, which would be equally applicable to the right man. As we read this there are two things that we should keep in mind. The first is that if we are married the right person is our spouse, even if they are nothing like the person we’re about to read about in Proverbs 31. Proverbs 31 is not a loophole for you to get out of your marriage or complain about your marriage if your spouse doesn’t measure up. If you are married your spouse is the right person. Period. The second thing we should keep in mind is that this is not only about the type of person we should pursue. This is about the type of person we should become. If we want to attract the right one we have to first become the right one. So as we look through Proverbs 31 together we should both want to be like this person and want to be with someone who is like this person. This chapter is filled with qualities we should look for in ourselves and others. We don’t have time to look at all of them. So we’ll just focus on 7 of them.
In verses 13 and 17 we find the third quality of the right woman. “She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands…She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.†We’ve seen already in the book of Proverbs that wise people work hard and foolish people are lazy. So it should not surprise us to see that the right woman or the right man is one who works and works hard. They may work hard to raise the kids. They may work hard to build a home. Or they may work hard to earn an income that provides for them and their family. If you have a potential significant other that isn’t a hard worker they are not the right one. They are foolish and the foolish person will bring you down with them.
A sixth quality of the right one is found in verse 26. “She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.†We see again that the right person is a wise person. Remember, this doesn’t mean that they are necessarily an educated person. It doesn’t mean that they are necessarily even all that intelligent. If those are qualities high on your checklist of “the right one†I’d encourage you to replace them with wisdom, which is far more valuable. The wise person knows how to live life with skill. They know how to handle their money, they know how to guard their tongue, they know how to use their time, they know how to handle difficult people, they know how to act and how to react in all types of situations. And they share this wisdom with others. As you are looking for your significant other look for the one who makes wise decisions in their own life, don’t look for the one who needs you to handle their problems and fix their problems for them.
The seventh and final quality we’ll look at is by far the most important. In fact, all of the other qualities of the right man or the right woman flow directly out of this one. It’s right here in verse 30, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.†As you are looking for your significant other, as you are trying to choose wisely, the only wise choice is a man or a woman who fears the Lord. Not a man or a woman who goes to church, not a man or a woman who claims to be a Christian. Your only wise choice is a man or a woman who fears the Lord. To say they fear the Lord means that they are in awe over who God is and what he has done. It means that they are filled with wonder over who God is and what he has done. It means that they bow to him as the highest authority and that they treasure him as the highest good. And this fear, this awe, this wonder causes their entire life to be re-arranged. That’s why they’re not like other men and women, that’s why they bring good into your life, that’s why they work hard, that’s why they serve other people, that’s why they are generous, that’s why they speak and live with wisdom. These things are the fruit, the product,  the result of a proper fear of the Lord.
Who You Desire Reveals Who You Are
Let me ask you a question: what type of person attracts you? Let me ask it a different way: what is the primary quality that attracts you to someone? Is it the fear of the Lord? Or is it a charming and nice personality? Or is it beauty? That may just sound like a question of preference. Some people prefer looks, some people prefer personality, some people are concerned about a person’s religious beliefs. They may sound like simple issues of preference but they’re not. They are issues of wisdom and foolishness. Charm is deceptive. If you choose a significant other because she’s such a charming lady or he’s such a nice guy you may find yourself very surprised and very disappointed once you finally live with them for a few months. Beauty is fleeting. If you choose a significant other because she’s hot or he looks good you will find yourself very surprised and very disappointed as you watch that beauty fade away over the years. I know we think that this is just something ugly people say. But I’ve been to two high-school reunions already and I can tell you that is not just something ugly people say. This is absolutely true. Beauty is fleeting. And even before the beauty fades away you will find it less and less impressive as you get to know the person underneath the beauty.
Choosing a significant other primarily based on their nice personality or their physical beauty is pure foolishness. It’s like buying a house without ever doing a home inspection. Eventually you’ll find out that the foundation is not solid and the construction is not strong. And it will cost you in many, many ways. To choose a significant other primarily based on their nice personality or their physical beauty is pure foolishness. You are choosing to accept lifelong suffering in exchange for very brief pleasure. The question of what type of person attracts you is not an issue of preference. It is an issue of wisdom and foolishness.
But that’s not all. It is also an issue of life and death. The things that attract you to other people reveal who and what you love. If the primary quality you are looking for in a significant other is anything other than the fear of the Lord then you do not fear the Lord as you should. If you choose a significant other who does not fear the Lord then you don’t fear the Lord as you should. See if you fear the Lord your heart will be in awe and in wonder of Jesus above all else. And because you treasure him above all else that will be the thing that you find most attractive in other people. If it’s not then that shows that your heart is in awe and in wonder of someone or something other than Jesus. And if that is the case then you have not only chosen foolishness, you have chosen death. A theme we see throughout Proverbs and throughout the Bible is that the fear of the Lord brings life. But without the fear of the Lord there is only death. There is only the judgment we deserve for making a god out of someone or something that is not God. There is only the wrath we deserve for giving ourselves to created things instead of giving ourselves to the Creator of all things. The question, “What type of person are you attracted to†does not just reveal your preference. It reveals whether you are wise or foolish. It reveals whether you are on the path of life or on the path of death because it reveals who or what you worship.
While we can all hide the idols of our hearts from each other we cannot hide them from God. God sees us as we truly are. We can put on all the religious makeup we want but God sees everything that we hide behind our makeup. There is nothing we can do to become attractive to him. We’re not charming, we’re rebellious and selfish. We’re not beautiful, we’re stained by our own sin and by the sin of others against us. If you were to see any person on your block as clearly as God sees you you would run in horror and disgust. And being that God is infinitely more pure and holy than you are how much more should God run from you in horror and disgust? Yet God has done the exact opposite. Though there was nothing in you to make you attractive to him he chose to love you anyway. In Jesus Christ the True Beauty himself became ugly so that you, though ugly, could become truly beautiful. Being the most beautiful and glorious being in all of the universe he laid aside all of his beauty and he made himself ugly so that he could come to you and give himself to you and for you. You were not worthy of being chosen as the object of God’s love. So Jesus made you worthy. He made you worthy by taking your ugliness, your shame, your rejection, and your death upon himself on the cross. If your faith is in Jesus Christ God now sees you as beautiful and worthy of his love because you are clothed in the beautiful perfection of his Son.
If you are a Christian Jesus chose you as his significant other – as his Bride – at the cost of his life and at the cost of his eternal unity with the Father. He has now risen from the dead and ascended into heaven where he has prepared a place for you, his bride, to live with him forever. If you truly believe that and place your faith in that then you now have the power to resist the temptation of choosing the wrong person. If you truly believe that and place your faith in that then you now will find the fear of the Lord more attractive and more valuable than any other quality imaginable. If you truly believe that and place your faith in that then you will now be able to find joy in your singleness. Because you have seen God love you when you were unlovable, because you have seen God make you beautiful when you were ugly, you are no longer in awe of sex, or marriage, or beauty, or charm. You are in awe over the God who loved you and made you his own when you would have run away from yourself in horror and disgust.

