Join us on Sunday, May 27, at 4046 NE MLK BLVD at 5:30 pm Cole Brown will start a series, Glorious Sex, and preaching from assorted passages. We would love for you to join us for a night of worship and fellowship together.

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Introduction

John has spent most of his life in some form of church leadership. He has spent his life explaining the Scriptures to people and calling them to worship God in obedience. As such, he has influenced hundreds and hundreds of people. And most of these people would point to John as the prime example of what a minister should be. Until they found out that he had been stealing money from the church.

Beth has been a Christian for as long as she can remember. She was born in the church, raised in the church, and to this day spends most of her time in the church. To say that Beth appeared to be a devoted follower of Jesus would be an understatement. Everyone around her would point to her as the perfect example of someone who takes their faith very seriously. Until they found out that she left her husband for a married man.

I don’t know if you know John. I don’t know if you know Beth. But you do know people like John and Beth. You know people who appear to be firmly devoted to God, people who you would point to as the very example of what a person of faith should be, who eventually turn away from God and turn toward the most heinous of sins.

Why is this? Why is it that can say this knowing that most of you – if not all of you – know exactly what I’m talking about? Why is it so common to see the most devoted religious people turn out to be guilty of the most despicable moral failures? That’s a very important question. And perhaps it brings to mind even a more important question: how do you make sure that you don’t become one of them?

Jesus will answer both of those questions for us tonight as we continue to listen to his words from Matthew 23. Turn there with me if you will.

Religion Produces Sin

Over the past two weeks we have summarized Jesus’ teaching in this chapter with these strong and offensive words: “Jesus Hates Religion (And You Should Too).” Now when we use the word religion, remember, we’re talking about any and every system of belief that says, “If you obey these teachings then you will be loved, accepted, and blessed.” Every religion in the world promotes some variation of this basic philosophy. Every religion in the world claims that if you obey certain teachings then you will be loved, accepted, and blessed by God, or by the universe, or by other people, or by karma, or whatever. This is even the message of thousands upon thousands of Christian pastors. But it’s not the message of Jesus. And it’s not the message of the Bible. No, the message of Jesus and the Scriptures is very different. The message of Jesus and the Scriptures is that religion, as just described, is evil.

Jesus has spent the first portion of the chapter explaining this very thing to his disciples. But now he transitions and begins to communicate the same message directly to the religious leaders of his day. Let’s listen to what he says to them in verses 13-15.

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to. Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and then you make that convert twice as much a child of hell as you are.”

Two weeks ago we saw that Jesus hates religion because it produces fear. Last week we saw that Jesus hates religion because it produces pride. Tonight we see a third reason that Jesus hates religion. Jesus hates religion because it produces sin.

Now on the surface that statement sounds false, doesn’t it? I mean if religious people are known for anything they are known for doing everything they can to avoid sin. But Jesus tells us that religion does not lead people away from sin. It leads them to it. He gives us two examples of this in the verses we just read. First, he says that religious people claim to teach other people how to get to God. But their teaching actually makes it more difficult for people to get to God. Instead of helping them walk into God’s kingdom they slam the door to God’s kingdom in their face. Second, he says that religious people claim to convert people into children of God. But they actually just make them twice as much a child of hell as they were before, and as the religious leaders are themselves. Because of that, Jesus tells the religious leaders, “Woe to you.” Or, to translate that into words more suitable to our culture, “I am greatly displeased with you and your judgment is coming.”

Jesus hates religion – and Jesus will judge religious people – because religion produces sin. And while that statement may sound false on the surface when you dig deeper its truth becomes glaringly obvious. Religion not only produces sin. Religion produces sin in three different ways.

First, religion produces sin because religion requires that you trust in yourself and not in God. Remember, when we talk about religion we’re talking about any system of belief that claims that if you obey its teachings then you will be accepted, loved, and blessed. Religion by its very definition must produce sin because religion by its very definition is idolatrous.

We commit idolatry anytime that we give to creation what belongs to Creator. When we trust a created thing more than the Creator we are idolaters. And that’s what religion requires that we do. Religion tells us that our position with God depends upon how well we can keep the demands of our religion. If I am accepted, loved, and blessed by God it is because I have obeyed him. What this means is that I trust in myself to make me right with God and I trust in myself to keep me right with God. It means I trust creation more than I trust Creator. Religion produces sin because religion, by its very definition, requires idolatry. It requires that we break the first and most important commandment, which is to have no other gods before the True God.

That’s the first of three ways that religion produces sin. The second is this: religion produces sin because religion calls you to do good things for bad reasons. This is what we’ve seen over the past two weeks together, right? Because religion tells you that you are most accepted, most loved, and most blessed by God when you are most obedient to him religion can only offer you two motivators. If you have a religious view of the world you can only be motivated by fear or pride. If you believe that the acceptance, love, and blessing of God depends upon what you do then you will obey God out of fear. You will obey God because you fear that if you don’t you will not be accepted, you will not be loved, and you will not be blessed. If you believe the acceptance, love, and blessing of God depends upon what you do then will also obey God out of pride. You will obey God because it feeds your pride to believe that you have worked hard to earn the acceptance, love, and blessing of God. As we have shown in great detail over the past two weeks, a religious view of the world does not allow for any other motivators. It only allows for fear and pride.

And I hope you can see why this produces sin. If the only way that religion can motivate you is through fear and pride then you are sinning even when you do good because when you do good you are only doing good for self-serving reasons. You are doing good because you want to avoid God’s punishment (fear) and you want to earn God’s blessing (pride). As a religious person your obedience has nothing to do with you valuing God and it has everything to do with you valuing yourself. Even when you are most obedient to God you are not obeying God because you love him, you are obeying God because you love yourself.

So far we’ve seen that religion produces sin because it requires that you trust in yourself rather than God and that religion produces sin because it requires that you do the right things for the wrong reasons. Third, and finally, religion produces sin because its motivators of fear and pride are not strong enough to keep you from giving in to temptation.

As a human being nearly everything you do is motivated by one of three motivators. Fear, pride, or love. All three of these motivators are very strong motivators. But the one of these three motivators that religion cannot provide you with is love. And love is a far stronger motivator than either fear or pride.

To illustrate this I want you to imagine that this building were to catch on fire tonight. And let’s say that because of where I’m standing I was somehow able to get out of the building before many of you did. And as I stand out there watching the flames consume the building I notice that one of our visitors is still in the building. Now the question at that point is, Am I going to go in to try to save him or am I going to stay out to try to save myself? The answer to that question will entirely depend upon whether I am motivated by fear, or pride, or love. If I am motivated by fear then I am not going to go in to rescue a visitor who I don’t even know. If I am motivated by pride then I may go in to rescue the visitor just so that people will look at me as a hero. But you know what will keep me from going into the building to rescue a visitor out of pride? Love. If I love my life more than I love the pride I would feel from saving a stranger then I am not going in. You see, pride is a strong motivator. It might be strong enough to get me in the burning building. But love is a stronger motivator. So if my love for my own life outweighs my love for my own pride then the visitor, who I have never met, is going to burn up in this building. But now imagine that the person inside the building is not a stranger. Imagine that the person inside the building is one of my children. You can imagine that as I stand outside the burning building I would be overwhelmed with fear. But no matter how afraid I was to go into that burning building I can promise you that fear would not keep me out. Why? Because there is a stronger motivator involved. My love for my child is going to overpower my fear of going in and my prideful concern over whether or not I’ll look foolish doing so. Because of my love for my child I am going to toss my fear to the side, I’m going to toss my pride to the side, and I’m going to run into the burning building. You see, fear and pride are strong motivators but they will always lose to love as the strongest motivator.

Now let’s translate this illustration into terms of obedience and sin. Remember, as a religious person I can only be motivated to obey God by either fear or pride because I believe that it is my obedience that earns me God’s acceptance, love, and blessing. That was what John believed, the man we talked about when we began tonight. John had been involved in church leadership for years. People saw him as the prime example of what a minister should be. And, as far as his outward actions were concerned, he certainly was. For years he handled the church finances with the utmost integrity. He dealt honestly with every single penny that came into the church. But, as a religious person, his financial integrity was motivated by his fear and his pride. And while fear and pride were strong enough motivators to keep him straight for 15 years they were not strong enough motivators to keep him straight forever. Because, eventually, his love for money grew to be stronger than his fear of punishment and his pride in being a good Christian. And the moment that happened – the moment that he began to love money more than he feared God’s punishment and took pride in his own obedience – he began to skim off the top. At first he did this sparingly. A little here and a little there. But when he realized that God didn’t send any immediate punishment — and that he didn’t feel any overwhelming guilt — his fear and his pride became even less powerful, his love for money became even more powerful, and he started to take more and more money week after week. John fell into this heinous sin because his religion could not provide him with the one thing that he needed to resist temptation: to love God more than he loved himself.

Beth’s situation was very similar. Beth had been a consistently obedient Christian for years. Everyone pointed to her as the ideal example of someone who is devoted to God and to his pleasure. For 10 years she seemed to have the perfect marriage. But, Beth would now admit to you, she was never happy with him. She always wondered what it would be like to be with another man. But she remained faithful to her husband nevertheless. Why? Because of her religious motivations of fear and pride. She had to remain faithful to her husband out of fear that God would punish her if she didn’t and out of the prideful desire to earn God’s favor by being a good Christian wife.  Well, those motivators were enough for 10 years. But eventually they were overpowered by the stronger motivator of love. Beth left her husband for another man, a married man, because at that moment Beth loved her own pleasure and her own happiness more than she feared God’s punishment or took pride in being a good Christian wife. Beth fell into this heinous sin because her religion could not provide her with the one tool she needed to resist temptation: to love God more than she loved herself.

This is why it is so common to hear of very devoted religious people turning out to be guilty of the most despicable moral failures. Because their worldview, their religion, produces sin by requiring that they trust in themselves more than they trust in God, that they do very good things for very bad and very selfish reason, and that they try to fight sin with the very weak weapons of fear and pride instead of being empowered to fight sin with love.

If you have a church background, if you are a person of faith of any type, you have to ask yourself if you are guilty of thinking and living in this way. You have to ask yourself if you are living as though your acceptance, love, and blessing from God depends in any way – even the smallest way – on you. Because, remember, Jesus pronounces judgment not only on those who teach a religious view of life but on those who live according to a religious view of life. Hear his words again from verses 13-15.

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to. Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and then you make that convert twice as much a child of hell as you are.”

These are very strong words of very strong judgment awaiting those who teach or follow a religious view of the world. Now maybe you think these warnings don’t apply to you because you’re not religious. Maybe you’d describe yourself as irreligious or as spiritual. So you think this whole warning about religion producing sin is not relevant to you. But it is. Because, the truth is, an irreligious view of the world does exactly the same thing. Remember that the root sin of all sins is idolatry. The root sin of all sins is to give to creation what properly belongs to the Creator. We sin and we sin greatly anytime we love a created person or thing more than we love the Creator of that person or thing. We sin and we sin greatly anytime we trust a created person or thing more than we trust the Creator of that person or thing. We sin and we sin greatly anytime we fear a created person or thing more than we love the Creator of that person or thing. We sin and we sin greatly anytime we live for the pleasure of a created person or thing more than we live for the pleasure of the Creator of that person or thing. If you are an irreligious person then everything you do is done for the pleasure of someone other than Jesus out of fear, or trust, or love for someone other than Jesus. Which means that everything you do – no matter how good it might appear to be – is actually very wicked.

The Gospel Produces Righteousness

You see, religion and irreligion look very different on the outside. But at their core they are exactly the same. They both require that you give to creation what belongs to the Creator. So Jesus hates religion – and Jesus hates irreligion – for the very same reason. Jesus hates religion and irreligion because they produce sin and lead to death.

So what are we to do? The truth is every one of us is guilty, in some measure, of either religion or irreligion. So how do we escape the judgment that such people deserve? How do we break free from these systems that perpetually produce sin? How do we get to the point where we can do the right things for the right reason?

It shouldn’t surprise you to hear that Jesus has the answer. No, more than that, Jesus himself is the answer. Jesus did not just come here to teach us how to live a righteous life. He came here to live a righteous life for us – in our place. Jesus did not just come here to teach us how to avoid God’s judgment. He came here to receive God’s judgment for us – in our place. And then he rose from the dead to defeat sin and death for us – in our place.

You see this is the unique message of Christianity that separates it from every single religion in the world. While every religion in the world says you will be most accepted, most loved, and most blessed when you obey God, Christianity says that you are fully accepted, fully loved, and fully blessed simply by turning to Jesus in faith because Jesus obeyed God perfectly – in your place.

And as you turn from your religion and turn from your irreligion and turn to Jesus in faith you are freed from fear. Why? Because Jesus has taken all of your punishment and no punishment remains. You are freed from pride. Why?  Because Jesus has provided all of your righteousness and you have none of your own. And you are given the power to fight sin and win. Why? Because now you have the one tool that you need: a love for God that is greater than your love for yourself. Knowing that you are forever free from the wrath of God that you deserve you are moved to love God more than yourself, because he poured that wrath out on himself instead of on you. Knowing that you contributed absolutely nothing to your own salvation you are moved to love God more than yourself, because he contributed everything.

While religion produces sin the gospel of Jesus produces righteous obedience. You see, it is precisely because you believe that Jesus has done everything for you that you are now moved to do everything for him. No longer obeying out of fear and pride but now obeying out of sheer gratitude for who he is and what he has done. And the beauties of sin become less and less and less attractive once you have truly beheld the beauties of Christ.

What do you look for in a significant other?

Over the years I’ve heard this question answered in all types of ways. Some ladies require that their man is taller than them. Some men require that their lady is crazy beautiful. Some only date white people, some only date black people, some only date people older than them, some only date people younger than them, some look for intelligence, some look for education, some look for money, some look for a good job, some look for someone who dresses nice, some look for someone who has a nice personality, and on and on and on. These are the standards many of us are using to determine who our significant other will be. But they are the wrong standards. The Scriptures give us a much better perspective on how to choose our significant other wisely. They give us the best perspective: God’s perspective.

The book of Proverbs in particular places a tremendous emphasis on choosing the right significant other. Proverbs tells us that choosing the wrong significant other always has terrible consequences while choosing the right man or the right woman has great benefits, as explained in the passages below.

“A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” – Prov 12:4

“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” – Prov 14:1

Choosing the right person is so important because choosing the wrong person is so damaging. As the first proverb says, the wrong wife or the wrong husband will eat away at you like cancer. The purpose of this imagery is to show just how deeply the wrong woman or the wrong man can affect us. The second proverb adds that the wrong person will also end up tearing down their own household. This means that they will end up tearing down their own life and their own relationships and, if you’re with them, then they will bring you down in the process. Perhaps you have experienced the reality of these proverbs firsthand. Making the wrong choice – the foolish choice – only harms you in the long run.

Because the wrong choice brings the wrong consequences it is better to be by yourself. If you’re single you may not like to hear that. The last thing in the world you want to do is be alone; you want to get yourself “someone special.” While that desire is understandable you can rest assured that whatever it is you think you will gain by having a special somebody is not worth the cost of being with the wrong somebody. This is why the author of Proverbs – inspired by the Holy Spirit – tells us that it is better to be by yourself than to be with the wrong man or the wrong woman.

“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” – Prov 21:9

“Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.” – Prov 21:19

In other words, the consequences of choosing the wrong significant other are severe and destructive. So how do you know what type of person to avoid? And what type of person to pursue? Thankfully, Proverbs helps us with that as well.

The Type of Woman/Man to Avoid

First, let’s look at the type of woman or man that Proverbs tells us to avoid in Proverbs 6:23-35.  Here, the father warns his sons to avoid two types of women. We see in verse 24 and in verse 26 that the two types of women are described as the married woman and the prostitute. The passage tells us that to go after this type of woman or man is to light a fire in your own lap or to walk on hot coals. We are told that this is disgraceful. We are told that this is shameful. In other words, to enter into a relationship with the married woman or the prostitute is both dangerous and destructive.

Some of you need to hear this because you have lusted after a married man or woman or you are currently lusting after a married man or woman. Some of you need to hear this because you have gone after some type of prostitute. But I know that some of you are thinking, “Well, of course I’m not going to get with somebody who is married. Of course I’m not going to get with a prostitute. Are you saying that as long as I avoid married people and prostitutes that I’ll make the right choice?” No, that’s not what I’m saying. Remember that the author of Proverbs – the father – is talking to his sons in a very particular time and a very particular place. In our culture, marriage is less common so there are many women and men to pursue who are not married. That’s not to say adultery is not a problem in our culture – it’s a horrible problem – but it is to say that if the father were writing this to his sons today he might list a different type of woman. The same is true of prostitution. Prostitution was much more common and much more accessible in their time and culture. If he were writing today he would probably list a different type of woman here, too.

So that’s what I’m going to do. What are our modern cultural equivalents of the married woman and the prostitute? I think the modern cultural equivalent of the married woman is any man or woman who wants to have you but does not want to commit to you. And I think the modern cultural equivalent of the prostitute is the person who offers you sexual pleasure without the risk of intimacy. So what type of man or woman should you avoid? You should avoid the man or woman who wants to be with you but doesn’t want to commit to you. And you should avoid whoever or whatever offers you sexual pleasure without true intimacy.

This includes a variety of people. The person who wants to be with you but doesn’t want to commit to you may be the person who is married to someone else. Or they may be the person who is in a relationship with you but is not willing to marry you. Or they may be the person who wants to spend lots of time with you but doesn’t want to be your official boyfriend or your official girlfriend. Most of us have been in some relationships like that. And most of us have seen that those things never turn out well. To give ourselves to someone like that is to light a fire in our lap and hope it will go out by itself. It is to walk on hot coals as if our feet won’t get scorched. In other words, it’s foolish. If your potential mate is someone who wants you but doesn’t want to commit to you they are not the right one. They are the wrong one.

The same is true of the person or thing that offers you sexual pleasure without true intimacy. I say “person or thing” because some of us look for sexual pleasure without true intimacy by looking to one night stands or friends with benefits and some of us look for it by looking to pornography or by looking to our own fantasies. This is the modern day equivalent of prostitution. For all of the same reasons that prostitution is foolish and ungodly so friends with benefits, pornography and sexual fantasy are foolish and ungodly. First, this is exploitive. The person who is bringing you sexual pleasure is exploited by you for your own pleasure. Second, it is selfish. The person who is bringing you sexual pleasure is being used by you to serve yourself. Third, it is unhealthy for you and for those you’re in relationship with. Anytime you seek sexual pleasure without true intimacy you remove yourself from true relationship, you isolate yourself, you hide yourself, you lie about yourself, and all of these things are destructive to you and to everyone you are connected to. Worst of all, though, it is foolish and ungodly because it is an act of rebellion against God and the way he has created both human beings and sex. God created sex and intimacy to go together. He created sex to be a physical expression of relational intimacy. That’s why the Bible uses intimate metaphors as pictures of sex. Instead of saying, “Adam slept with Eve” the Word of God says, “Adam knew Eve.” Instead of saying, “The two will have a lot of fun” during sex the Word of God says, “The two will become one” during sex. Sex is to be a physical expression of relational intimacy. So no matter how much you may enjoy this person or this thing they are not the right one if they provide sexual pleasure without true intimacy. To give ourselves to someone or something like that is to light a fire in our lap and hope it goes out by itself. It is to walk on hot coals and hope our feet don’t get burned. It is foolish. If a woman or man or image offers you sexual pleasure without true intimacy they are not the right one. They are the wrong one.

Over the years I have talked with many people who would agree with everything I just said. They would agree that the person who wants them but doesn’t want to truly commit to them is not the right one. They would agree that the person who offers them sexual pleasure without true intimacy is not the right one. They would agree with all of that. But they still find themselves in both types of relationships. Why is that? Why is it that we can know that this person is really not the right one for us but we still give ourselves to them? Why is it that we know this person is only going to do us harm in the long run but we get into a relationship with them anyway? We do it because we are tempted by how they look, how they speak, how they smell, or what they offer us.

And Proverbs doesn’t hide from this reality. The father is very honest about how tempting an attractive person can be. He’s very honest about how tempting sex and sexuality can be. He’s not naïve. He’s not inexperienced. He’s a grown man. And he knows how easily we can be attracted to the wrong person. He knows how easily we can be seduced by their looks, their speech, their smell, and what they offer us. In Proverbs 7:6-20 the father tells a story of a young man falling for the wrong woman. This story gives us an excellent picture of how easily we can be tempted by the wrong woman or the wrong man. In verse 10 he describes a woman clothed like a prostitute. She is sexy. She is nice to look at. Men and women: we both like that. We are tempted by someone who is nice to look at. She is also seductive with her body and with her words. In verse 13 she kisses the young man. We like that. It makes us feel special and wanted. It also feels good physically. In verses 15 she flatters him with praise. “I came out to meet you. I looked for you and have found you,” she says. Men and women, we like that. We like to hear that we are the object of someone else’s desire. We like to hear that we are the one they’ve been looking for. In verses 16-18 she entices him by offering sexual pleasure. Come, she says, “Let’s drink deep of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love.” Men and women we all like that. We are attracted to sex and we are attracted to romantic relational intimacy. When an attractive person shows interest in us and wants to be intimate with us it can be hard to resist. In verses 19-20 she goes even further. Not only does she offer him all of these pleasures to enjoy. She also assures him that there will be no undesirable consequences. “My husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey. He took his purse filled with money and will not be home till full moon.” We all like that. No matter how attractive a man or woman is, no matter how good it feels to see them show interest in us, no matter how much we would like to be intimate with them most of us still have something in us that says “Caution. Be careful. This ain’t right.” But because we want it anyway we will gladly accept any rationale that can push our concerns to the back of our minds and allow us to do what we want to do. This can come in various forms. “My husband’s out of town, he’ll never know.” “We love each other. Isn’t this what we should be doing if we love each other.” “God knows that we’re going to get married one day anyway so it’s not a big deal if we do this now.” “It’s okay if I just do this one more time. After that I won’t do it again.”

The reason we do what we know we shouldn’t do, the reason we end up in relationships with people we know are not right for us, is that we are sinners who yield to temptation far too often and far too easily. And when we do so we become the “dead man walking.” Verses 21-27 show that the results of that choice are pain and death. Many of us have made these decisions in the past, some of us are making these decisions right now, and we know how destructive our relationship choices can be. But what can we do? What can we do to protect us from making the wrong choice in the future? What can we do to keep ourselves from yielding to this temptation yet again? Proverbs gives us two solutions.

Now, if you’re single that may not sound all that helpful to you. Sure, you’d love to have lots of good sex with your spouse the problem is you don’t have one. So how does this help you? Well, the advice is still the same. The father’s advice is to pursue the right woman. For the married man the right woman is his wife. For the single man the right woman is someone else. Someone you may presently know, someone you may not yet know. If you devote your energy to pursuing the right woman or the right man you will be far less likely to fall for a counterfeit. So now the question becomes, who is the right woman? Who is the right man? Thankfully, Proverbs answers that question for us as well.

Pursue the Right One

In Proverbs 31 the author gives a lengthy description of the right woman, which would be equally applicable to the right man. As we read this there are two things that we should keep in mind. The first is that if we are married the right person is our spouse, even if they are nothing like the person we’re about to read about in Proverbs 31. Proverbs 31 is not a loophole for you to get out of your marriage or complain about your marriage if your spouse doesn’t measure up. If you are married your spouse is the right person. Period. The second thing we should keep in mind is that this is not only about the type of person we should pursue. This is about the type of person we should become. If we want to attract the right one we have to first become the right one. So as we look through Proverbs 31 together we should both want to be like this person and want to be with someone who is like this person. This chapter is filled with qualities we should look for in ourselves and others. We don’t have time to look at all of them. So we’ll just focus on 7 of them.

In verses 13 and 17 we find the third quality of the right woman. “She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands…She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.” We’ve seen already in the book of Proverbs that wise people work hard and foolish people are lazy. So it should not surprise us to see that the right woman or the right man is one who works and works hard. They may work hard to raise the kids. They may work hard to build a home. Or they may work hard to earn an income that provides for them and their family. If you have a potential significant other that isn’t a hard worker they are not the right one. They are foolish and the foolish person will bring you down with them.

A sixth quality of the right one is found in verse 26. “She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.” We see again that the right person is a wise person. Remember, this doesn’t mean that they are necessarily an educated person. It doesn’t mean that they are necessarily even all that intelligent. If those are qualities high on your checklist of “the right one” I’d encourage you to replace them with wisdom, which is far more valuable. The wise person knows how to live life with skill. They know how to handle their money, they know how to guard their tongue, they know how to use their time, they know how to handle difficult people, they know how to act and how to react in all types of situations. And they share this wisdom with others. As you are looking for your significant other look for the one who makes wise decisions in their own life, don’t look for the one who needs you to handle their problems and fix their problems for them.

The seventh and final quality we’ll look at is by far the most important. In fact, all of the other qualities of the right man or the right woman flow directly out of this one. It’s right here in verse 30, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” As you are looking for your significant other, as you are trying to choose wisely, the only wise choice is a man or a woman who fears the Lord. Not a man or a woman who goes to church, not a man or a woman who claims to be a Christian. Your only wise choice is a man or a woman who fears the Lord. To say they fear the Lord means that they are in awe over who God is and what he has done. It means that they are filled with wonder over who God is and what he has done. It means that they bow to him as the highest authority and that they treasure him as the highest good. And this fear, this awe, this wonder causes their entire life to be re-arranged. That’s why they’re not like other men and women, that’s why they bring good into your life, that’s why they work hard, that’s why they serve other people, that’s why they are generous, that’s why they speak and live with wisdom. These things are the fruit, the product,  the result of a proper fear of the Lord.

Who You Desire Reveals Who You Are

Let me ask you a question: what type of person attracts you? Let me ask it a different way: what is the primary quality that attracts you to someone? Is it the fear of the Lord? Or is it a charming and nice personality? Or is it beauty? That may just sound like a question of preference. Some people prefer looks, some people prefer personality, some people are concerned about a person’s religious beliefs. They may sound like simple issues of preference but they’re not. They are issues of wisdom and foolishness. Charm is deceptive. If you choose a significant other because she’s such a charming lady or he’s such a nice guy you may find yourself very surprised and very disappointed once you finally live with them for a few months. Beauty is fleeting. If you choose a significant other because she’s hot or he looks good you will find yourself very surprised and very disappointed as you watch that beauty fade away over the years. I know we think that this is just something ugly people say. But I’ve been to two high-school reunions already and I can tell you that is not just something ugly people say. This is absolutely true. Beauty is fleeting. And even before the beauty fades away you will find it less and less impressive as you get to know the person underneath the beauty.

Choosing a significant other primarily based on their nice personality or their physical beauty is pure foolishness. It’s like buying a house without ever doing a home inspection. Eventually you’ll find out that the foundation is not solid and the construction is not strong. And it will cost you in many, many ways. To choose a significant other primarily based on their nice personality or their physical beauty is pure foolishness. You are choosing to accept lifelong suffering in exchange for very brief pleasure. The question of what type of person attracts you is not an issue of preference. It is an issue of wisdom and foolishness.

But that’s not all. It is also an issue of life and death. The things that attract you to other people reveal who and what you love. If the primary quality you are looking for in a significant other is anything other than the fear of the Lord then you do not fear the Lord as you should. If you choose a significant other who does not fear the Lord then you don’t fear the Lord as you should. See if you fear the Lord your heart will be in awe and in wonder of Jesus above all else. And because you treasure him above all else that will be the thing that you find most attractive in other people. If it’s not then that shows that your heart is in awe and in wonder of someone or something other than Jesus. And if that is the case then you have not only chosen foolishness, you have chosen death. A theme we see throughout Proverbs and throughout the Bible is that the fear of the Lord brings life. But without the fear of the Lord there is only death. There is only the judgment we deserve for making a god out of someone or something that is not God. There is only the wrath we deserve for giving ourselves to created things instead of giving ourselves to the Creator of all things. The question, “What type of person are you attracted to” does not just reveal your preference. It reveals whether you are wise or foolish. It reveals whether you are on the path of life or on the path of death because it reveals who or what you worship.

While we can all hide the idols of our hearts from each other we cannot hide them from God. God sees us as we truly are. We can put on all the religious makeup we want but God sees everything that we hide behind our makeup. There is nothing we can do to become attractive to him. We’re not charming, we’re rebellious and selfish. We’re not beautiful, we’re stained by our own sin and by the sin of others against us. If you were to see any person on your block as clearly as God sees you you would run in horror and disgust. And being that God is infinitely more pure and holy than you are how much more should God run from you in horror and disgust? Yet God has done the exact opposite. Though there was nothing in you to make you attractive to him he chose to love you anyway. In Jesus Christ the True Beauty himself became ugly so that you, though ugly, could become truly beautiful. Being the most beautiful and glorious being in all of the universe he laid aside all of his beauty and he made himself ugly so that he could come to you and give himself to you and for you. You were not worthy of being chosen as the object of God’s love. So Jesus made you worthy. He made you worthy by taking your ugliness, your shame, your rejection, and your death upon himself on the cross. If your faith is in Jesus Christ God now sees you as beautiful and worthy of his love because you are clothed in the beautiful perfection of his Son.

If you are a Christian Jesus chose you as his significant other – as his Bride – at the cost of his life and at the cost of his eternal unity with the Father. He has now risen from the dead and ascended into heaven where he has prepared a place for you, his bride, to live with him forever. If you truly believe that and place your faith in that then you now have the power to resist the temptation of choosing the wrong person. If you truly believe that and place your faith in that then you now will find the fear of the Lord more attractive and more valuable than any other quality imaginable. If you truly believe that and place your faith in that then you will now be able to find joy in your singleness. Because you have seen God love you when you were unlovable, because you have seen God make you beautiful when you were ugly, you are no longer in awe of sex, or marriage, or beauty, or charm. You are in awe over the God who loved you and made you his own when you would have run away from yourself in horror and disgust.

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