Choosing Your Significant Other Wisely

The following article is an excerpt from a 2008 sermon given by Cole Brown.

What do you look for in a significant other?

Over the years I’ve heard this question answered in all types of ways. Some ladies require that their man is taller than them. Some men require that their lady is crazy beautiful. Some only date white people, some only date black people, some only date people older than them, some only date people younger than them, some look for intelligence, some look for education, some look for money, some look for a good job, some look for someone who dresses nice, some look for someone who has a nice personality, and on and on and on. These are the standards many of us are using to determine who our significant other will be. But they are the wrong standards. The Scriptures give us a much better perspective on how to choose our significant other wisely. They give us the best perspective: God’s perspective.

The book of Proverbs in particular places a tremendous emphasis on choosing the right significant other. Proverbs tells us that choosing the wrong significant other always has terrible consequences while choosing the right man or the right woman has great benefits, as explained in the passages below.

“A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” – Prov 12:4

“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” – Prov 14:1

Choosing the right person is so important because choosing the wrong person is so damaging. As the first proverb says, the wrong wife or the wrong husband will eat away at you like cancer. The purpose of this imagery is to show just how deeply the wrong woman or the wrong man can affect us. The second proverb adds that the wrong person will also end up tearing down their own household. This means that they will end up tearing down their own life and their own relationships and, if you’re with them, then they will bring you down in the process. Perhaps you have experienced the reality of these proverbs firsthand. Making the wrong choice – the foolish choice – only harms you in the long run.

Because the wrong choice brings the wrong consequences it is better to be by yourself. If you’re single you may not like to hear that. The last thing in the world you want to do is be alone; you want to get yourself “someone special.” While that desire is understandable you can rest assured that whatever it is you think you will gain by having a special somebody is not worth the cost of being with the wrong somebody. This is why the author of Proverbs – inspired by the Holy Spirit – tells us that it is better to be by yourself than to be with the wrong man or the wrong woman.

“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” – Prov 21:9

“Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.” – Prov 21:19

In other words, the consequences of choosing the wrong significant other are severe and destructive. So how do you know what type of person to avoid? And what type of person to pursue? Thankfully, Proverbs helps us with that as well.

The Type of Woman/Man to Avoid

First, let’s look at the type of woman or man that Proverbs tells us to avoid in Proverbs 6:23-35.  Here, the father warns his sons to avoid two types of women. We see in verse 24 and in verse 26 that the two types of women are described as the married woman and the prostitute. The passage tells us that to go after this type of woman or man is to light a fire in your own lap or to walk on hot coals. We are told that this is disgraceful. We are told that this is shameful. In other words, to enter into a relationship with the married woman or the prostitute is both dangerous and destructive.

Some of you need to hear this because you have lusted after a married man or woman or you are currently lusting after a married man or woman. Some of you need to hear this because you have gone after some type of prostitute. But I know that some of you are thinking, “Well, of course I’m not going to get with somebody who is married. Of course I’m not going to get with a prostitute. Are you saying that as long as I avoid married people and prostitutes that I’ll make the right choice?” No, that’s not what I’m saying. Remember that the author of Proverbs – the father – is talking to his sons in a very particular time and a very particular place. In our culture, marriage is less common so there are many women and men to pursue who are not married. That’s not to say adultery is not a problem in our culture – it’s a horrible problem – but it is to say that if the father were writing this to his sons today he might list a different type of woman. The same is true of prostitution. Prostitution was much more common and much more accessible in their time and culture. If he were writing today he would probably list a different type of woman here, too.

So that’s what I’m going to do. What are our modern cultural equivalents of the married woman and the prostitute? I think the modern cultural equivalent of the married woman is any man or woman who wants to have you but does not want to commit to you. And I think the modern cultural equivalent of the prostitute is the person who offers you sexual pleasure without the risk of intimacy. So what type of man or woman should you avoid? You should avoid the man or woman who wants to be with you but doesn’t want to commit to you. And you should avoid whoever or whatever offers you sexual pleasure without true intimacy.

This includes a variety of people. The person who wants to be with you but doesn’t want to commit to you may be the person who is married to someone else. Or they may be the person who is in a relationship with you but is not willing to marry you. Or they may be the person who wants to spend lots of time with you but doesn’t want to be your official boyfriend or your official girlfriend. Most of us have been in some relationships like that. And most of us have seen that those things never turn out well. To give ourselves to someone like that is to light a fire in our lap and hope it will go out by itself. It is to walk on hot coals as if our feet won’t get scorched. In other words, it’s foolish. If your potential mate is someone who wants you but doesn’t want to commit to you they are not the right one. They are the wrong one.

The same is true of the person or thing that offers you sexual pleasure without true intimacy. I say “person or thing” because some of us look for sexual pleasure without true intimacy by looking to one night stands or friends with benefits and some of us look for it by looking to pornography or by looking to our own fantasies. This is the modern day equivalent of prostitution. For all of the same reasons that prostitution is foolish and ungodly so friends with benefits, pornography and sexual fantasy are foolish and ungodly. First, this is exploitive. The person who is bringing you sexual pleasure is exploited by you for your own pleasure. Second, it is selfish. The person who is bringing you sexual pleasure is being used by you to serve yourself. Third, it is unhealthy for you and for those you’re in relationship with. Anytime you seek sexual pleasure without true intimacy you remove yourself from true relationship, you isolate yourself, you hide yourself, you lie about yourself, and all of these things are destructive to you and to everyone you are connected to. Worst of all, though, it is foolish and ungodly because it is an act of rebellion against God and the way he has created both human beings and sex. God created sex and intimacy to go together. He created sex to be a physical expression of relational intimacy. That’s why the Bible uses intimate metaphors as pictures of sex. Instead of saying, “Adam slept with Eve” the Word of God says, “Adam knew Eve.” Instead of saying, “The two will have a lot of fun” during sex the Word of God says, “The two will become one” during sex. Sex is to be a physical expression of relational intimacy. So no matter how much you may enjoy this person or this thing they are not the right one if they provide sexual pleasure without true intimacy. To give ourselves to someone or something like that is to light a fire in our lap and hope it goes out by itself. It is to walk on hot coals and hope our feet don’t get burned. It is foolish. If a woman or man or image offers you sexual pleasure without true intimacy they are not the right one. They are the wrong one.

Over the years I have talked with many people who would agree with everything I just said. They would agree that the person who wants them but doesn’t want to truly commit to them is not the right one. They would agree that the person who offers them sexual pleasure without true intimacy is not the right one. They would agree with all of that. But they still find themselves in both types of relationships. Why is that? Why is it that we can know that this person is really not the right one for us but we still give ourselves to them? Why is it that we know this person is only going to do us harm in the long run but we get into a relationship with them anyway? We do it because we are tempted by how they look, how they speak, how they smell, or what they offer us.

And Proverbs doesn’t hide from this reality. The father is very honest about how tempting an attractive person can be. He’s very honest about how tempting sex and sexuality can be. He’s not naïve. He’s not inexperienced. He’s a grown man. And he knows how easily we can be attracted to the wrong person. He knows how easily we can be seduced by their looks, their speech, their smell, and what they offer us. In Proverbs 7:6-20 the father tells a story of a young man falling for the wrong woman. This story gives us an excellent picture of how easily we can be tempted by the wrong woman or the wrong man. In verse 10 he describes a woman clothed like a prostitute. She is sexy. She is nice to look at. Men and women: we both like that. We are tempted by someone who is nice to look at. She is also seductive with her body and with her words. In verse 13 she kisses the young man. We like that. It makes us feel special and wanted. It also feels good physically. In verses 15 she flatters him with praise. “I came out to meet you. I looked for you and have found you,” she says. Men and women, we like that. We like to hear that we are the object of someone else’s desire. We like to hear that we are the one they’ve been looking for. In verses 16-18 she entices him by offering sexual pleasure. Come, she says, “Let’s drink deep of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love.” Men and women we all like that. We are attracted to sex and we are attracted to romantic relational intimacy. When an attractive person shows interest in us and wants to be intimate with us it can be hard to resist. In verses 19-20 she goes even further. Not only does she offer him all of these pleasures to enjoy. She also assures him that there will be no undesirable consequences. “My husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey. He took his purse filled with money and will not be home till full moon.” We all like that. No matter how attractive a man or woman is, no matter how good it feels to see them show interest in us, no matter how much we would like to be intimate with them most of us still have something in us that says “Caution. Be careful. This ain’t right.” But because we want it anyway we will gladly accept any rationale that can push our concerns to the back of our minds and allow us to do what we want to do. This can come in various forms. “My husband’s out of town, he’ll never know.” “We love each other. Isn’t this what we should be doing if we love each other.” “God knows that we’re going to get married one day anyway so it’s not a big deal if we do this now.” “It’s okay if I just do this one more time. After that I won’t do it again.”

The reason we do what we know we shouldn’t do, the reason we end up in relationships with people we know are not right for us, is that we are sinners who yield to temptation far too often and far too easily. And when we do so we become the “dead man walking.” Verses 21-27 show that the results of that choice are pain and death. Many of us have made these decisions in the past, some of us are making these decisions right now, and we know how destructive our relationship choices can be. But what can we do? What can we do to protect us from making the wrong choice in the future? What can we do to keep ourselves from yielding to this temptation yet again? Proverbs gives us two solutions.

The first is found right here in Proverbs 7:4-5. “Say to wisdom, ‘You are my sister,’ and to insight, ‘You are my relative.’ They will keep you from the adulterous woman, from the wayward woman with her seductive words.” Pursue wisdom. Love wisdom. Hold wisdom closely and wisdom will keep you from the wrong man or the wrong woman. We’ll talk more about this wisdom and how to obtain it later. The second solution offered by proverbs is found in Proverbs 5:15-20.

“Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife? Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?”

The basic solution that this proverb offers is to pursue the right person, pursue the right woman or man. If you have a healthy and vital relationship with the right person you will be far less likely to be seduced by the wrong person. For the married person this means that you are to enjoy your spouse and enjoy lots and lots of sex with your spouse. The author of Proverbs communicates this by using very erotic images. The cistern and the running water from the well symbolize the woman’s stimulated vagina. The springs and the streams of water symbolize the man’s ejaculation. You see, God loves sex. And God is not afraid to talk about sex in very visual and exciting ways. So the message of Proverbs is not to avoid sex. Oh, by no means. The message of Proverbs is to pursue sex – to pursue lots of sex – but only with the right person and at the right time. The general truth is that if you do this, if you delight in your spouse, you will not be so tempted to delight in someone else.

Now, if you’re single that may not sound all that helpful to you. Sure, you’d love to have lots of good sex with your spouse the problem is you don’t have one. So how does this help you? Well, the advice is still the same. The father’s advice is to pursue the right woman. For the married man the right woman is his wife. For the single man the right woman is someone else. Someone you may presently know, someone you may not yet know. If you devote your energy to pursuing the right woman or the right man you will be far less likely to fall for a counterfeit. So now the question becomes, who is the right woman? Who is the right man? Thankfully, Proverbs answers that question for us as well.

Pursue the Right One

In Proverbs 31 the author gives a lengthy description of the right woman, which would be equally applicable to the right man. As we read this there are two things that we should keep in mind. The first is that if we are married the right person is our spouse, even if they are nothing like the person we’re about to read about in Proverbs 31. Proverbs 31 is not a loophole for you to get out of your marriage or complain about your marriage if your spouse doesn’t measure up. If you are married your spouse is the right person. Period. The second thing we should keep in mind is that this is not only about the type of person we should pursue. This is about the type of person we should become. If we want to attract the right one we have to first become the right one. So as we look through Proverbs 31 together we should both want to be like this person and want to be with someone who is like this person. This chapter is filled with qualities we should look for in ourselves and others. We don’t have time to look at all of them. So we’ll just focus on 7 of them.

Let’s start in verse 10. “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” The first thing we see about the right woman is that the right woman is not common. She is rare. But, she is valuable. So don’t be discouraged by the fact you are having a hard time finding a Proverbs 31 woman or man. If they were everywhere they’d be worthless. But they’re not. They’re valuable. And like anything valuable they’re worth searching for. And they’re worth waiting for. As one who has found the right one I can tell you the right one is worth the work and worth the wait.

In verse 12 we find the second quality of the right woman. She brings good to her man and not harm. “She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” The person who harms you physically, the person who purposefully harms you emotionally, the person who is constantly making you feel guilty, the person who just plain brings drama into your life is not the right one. The right one brings good to you. They bless you, they encourage you, they make you better.

In verses 13 and 17 we find the third quality of the right woman. “She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands…She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.” We’ve seen already in the book of Proverbs that wise people work hard and foolish people are lazy. So it should not surprise us to see that the right woman or the right man is one who works and works hard. They may work hard to raise the kids. They may work hard to build a home. Or they may work hard to earn an income that provides for them and their family. If you have a potential significant other that isn’t a hard worker they are not the right one. They are foolish and the foolish person will bring you down with them.

A fourth quality of the right woman is found in verse 15, “she gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her women servants.” The right woman or the right man serves other people. The person who lives primarily for themselves is not the wise choice. The wise choice is one who is even willing to sacrifice sleep in order to serve those around them.

A fifth quality of the right one is found in verse 20. “She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.” We’ve already seen in Proverbs that wise people are generous people. So it makes sense that the right woman or the right man is marked by their generosity. I know a girl who was thinking of marrying the guy she was dating. One day they were driving and they saw a homeless person on the corner. The guy she was dating was angry. He said, “This is so disgusting. I hate having to see these people when I drive in my own neighborhood. I think America should pick a distant island and ship all of the homeless people out there so we don’t have to see them every time we leave the house.” The guy was serious. As soon as I heard about his lack of generosity I told her “He is not the right one. Do not marry him.” But she did. And it only took a few weeks to learn that I was right. The person you should be pursuing is a person who is generous to those in need.

A sixth quality of the right one is found in verse 26. “She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.” We see again that the right person is a wise person. Remember, this doesn’t mean that they are necessarily an educated person. It doesn’t mean that they are necessarily even all that intelligent. If those are qualities high on your checklist of “the right one” I’d encourage you to replace them with wisdom, which is far more valuable. The wise person knows how to live life with skill. They know how to handle their money, they know how to guard their tongue, they know how to use their time, they know how to handle difficult people, they know how to act and how to react in all types of situations. And they share this wisdom with others. As you are looking for your significant other look for the one who makes wise decisions in their own life, don’t look for the one who needs you to handle their problems and fix their problems for them.

The seventh and final quality we’ll look at is by far the most important. In fact, all of the other qualities of the right man or the right woman flow directly out of this one. It’s right here in verse 30, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” As you are looking for your significant other, as you are trying to choose wisely, the only wise choice is a man or a woman who fears the Lord. Not a man or a woman who goes to church, not a man or a woman who claims to be a Christian. Your only wise choice is a man or a woman who fears the Lord. To say they fear the Lord means that they are in awe over who God is and what he has done. It means that they are filled with wonder over who God is and what he has done. It means that they bow to him as the highest authority and that they treasure him as the highest good. And this fear, this awe, this wonder causes their entire life to be re-arranged. That’s why they’re not like other men and women, that’s why they bring good into your life, that’s why they work hard, that’s why they serve other people, that’s why they are generous, that’s why they speak and live with wisdom. These things are the fruit, the product,  the result of a proper fear of the Lord.

Who You Desire Reveals Who You Are

Let me ask you a question: what type of person attracts you? Let me ask it a different way: what is the primary quality that attracts you to someone? Is it the fear of the Lord? Or is it a charming and nice personality? Or is it beauty? That may just sound like a question of preference. Some people prefer looks, some people prefer personality, some people are concerned about a person’s religious beliefs. They may sound like simple issues of preference but they’re not. They are issues of wisdom and foolishness. Charm is deceptive. If you choose a significant other because she’s such a charming lady or he’s such a nice guy you may find yourself very surprised and very disappointed once you finally live with them for a few months. Beauty is fleeting. If you choose a significant other because she’s hot or he looks good you will find yourself very surprised and very disappointed as you watch that beauty fade away over the years. I know we think that this is just something ugly people say. But I’ve been to two high-school reunions already and I can tell you that is not just something ugly people say. This is absolutely true. Beauty is fleeting. And even before the beauty fades away you will find it less and less impressive as you get to know the person underneath the beauty.

Choosing a significant other primarily based on their nice personality or their physical beauty is pure foolishness. It’s like buying a house without ever doing a home inspection. Eventually you’ll find out that the foundation is not solid and the construction is not strong. And it will cost you in many, many ways. To choose a significant other primarily based on their nice personality or their physical beauty is pure foolishness. You are choosing to accept lifelong suffering in exchange for very brief pleasure. The question of what type of person attracts you is not an issue of preference. It is an issue of wisdom and foolishness.

But that’s not all. It is also an issue of life and death. The things that attract you to other people reveal who and what you love. If the primary quality you are looking for in a significant other is anything other than the fear of the Lord then you do not fear the Lord as you should. If you choose a significant other who does not fear the Lord then you don’t fear the Lord as you should. See if you fear the Lord your heart will be in awe and in wonder of Jesus above all else. And because you treasure him above all else that will be the thing that you find most attractive in other people. If it’s not then that shows that your heart is in awe and in wonder of someone or something other than Jesus. And if that is the case then you have not only chosen foolishness, you have chosen death. A theme we see throughout Proverbs and throughout the Bible is that the fear of the Lord brings life. But without the fear of the Lord there is only death. There is only the judgment we deserve for making a god out of someone or something that is not God. There is only the wrath we deserve for giving ourselves to created things instead of giving ourselves to the Creator of all things. The question, “What type of person are you attracted to” does not just reveal your preference. It reveals whether you are wise or foolish. It reveals whether you are on the path of life or on the path of death because it reveals who or what you worship.

While we can all hide the idols of our hearts from each other we cannot hide them from God. God sees us as we truly are. We can put on all the religious makeup we want but God sees everything that we hide behind our makeup. There is nothing we can do to become attractive to him. We’re not charming, we’re rebellious and selfish. We’re not beautiful, we’re stained by our own sin and by the sin of others against us. If you were to see any person on your block as clearly as God sees you you would run in horror and disgust. And being that God is infinitely more pure and holy than you are how much more should God run from you in horror and disgust? Yet God has done the exact opposite. Though there was nothing in you to make you attractive to him he chose to love you anyway. In Jesus Christ the True Beauty himself became ugly so that you, though ugly, could become truly beautiful. Being the most beautiful and glorious being in all of the universe he laid aside all of his beauty and he made himself ugly so that he could come to you and give himself to you and for you. You were not worthy of being chosen as the object of God’s love. So Jesus made you worthy. He made you worthy by taking your ugliness, your shame, your rejection, and your death upon himself on the cross. If your faith is in Jesus Christ God now sees you as beautiful and worthy of his love because you are clothed in the beautiful perfection of his Son.

If you are a Christian Jesus chose you as his significant other – as his Bride – at the cost of his life and at the cost of his eternal unity with the Father. He has now risen from the dead and ascended into heaven where he has prepared a place for you, his bride, to live with him forever. If you truly believe that and place your faith in that then you now have the power to resist the temptation of choosing the wrong person. If you truly believe that and place your faith in that then you now will find the fear of the Lord more attractive and more valuable than any other quality imaginable. If you truly believe that and place your faith in that then you will now be able to find joy in your singleness. Because you have seen God love you when you were unlovable, because you have seen God make you beautiful when you were ugly, you are no longer in awe of sex, or marriage, or beauty, or charm. You are in awe over the God who loved you and made you his own when you would have run away from yourself in horror and disgust.